Who am I really?

Days have been going by slowly. Slower than usual, mostly because I’m trying to be mindful. I’ve spend so much time in my head, completely missing how nice present moment is.
I haven’t explored my senses in a long time. That is something we do a lot when we’re younger. Smelling the air, seeing colors and things around us, touching the table, fabric, trees, feeling the sensation seems like the most exciting thing when you’re a child, you’re feeling it to your core. We all need to go back to that.

I’ve been taking myself apart the past few days. Taking myself apart to realize that I’m not attached to anything, my ego is. And I am not my ego.
I’ve been holding a mirror up to my face, forcing myself to look at who I really am. Facing the truth behind my motives.
I’ve been accepting it and putting myself back together.
Finally feeling a bit of inner peace after looking inside and seeing my true self and strength.
Letting go.

Seeing my independence, my confidence grows.

Fall, please come back

I wonder how many of you have fall weather now.
They told us we’ll have fall soon, but here’s another heat wave. It’s humid, so humid that it sometimes feels like I can’t breathe. Oh, and I hate the burning sensation on my skin.
My family doesn’t have an air conditioner, so inside it’s even worse.

I miss fall so much. Can’t wait to feel it’s coldness on my cheeks, breathe in the cold air and the smell of rain.
Dry orange leaves falling down, carried by the wind, crackling under my feet.
I’ll finally get to wear layers of clothes and boots. I prefer that over having a few pieces of clothes on me. I’ll be able to play with makeup without sweating like a pig.
Fall in America seems wonderful, all your little traditions, like bonfires, s’mores, Halloween, and whatever else you do. I envy you Americans for that. I live in Europe, Croatia, we don’t have Halloween, or these fall traditions… I don’t think we have fall traditions at all.
I do celebrate Samhain, and in a way, Halloween too. But I feel like I don’t have a full experience of these two, because my country doesn’t celebrate Halloween.

We have Svi Sveti, which is like All Saints’ Day. I don’t know how that looks in America, but in my country people will burn a candle for the dead at home, and go to a graveyard on November 1st with lanterns, and leave the lanterns on graves of their loved ones. But that’s it. And it’s a Christian holiday, my country is Christian. So I don’t celebrate it, since I’m not one. My country is fairly boring, no pumpkins, no fun fall activities.

I had a dream last night. I was in a different place, different bedroom. I was getting ready to go to bed, and then I noticed that on the bed (headboard, sort of) there’s a bunch of little Ganesh figures hanging from a thread. Appearently, dreaming of Ganesh is a good sign. Something good is coming, I hope.

Brain clutter

I don’t have the strength to deal with myself the past few days. I seem to be very annoyed by everyone around me. I’m thinking, maybe it’s the clutter in me. The chaos that’s stirring up inside, because I’m not doing the inner work. I’m not untangling my mess.

For the past few days I’ve been barely getting out of bed, I sleep six to seven hours, but I wake up feeling like I haven’t slept in two days. My mother keeps saying it’s the weather. I hope it is. I need my energy back to soon start with my manifestations… And spells.
I’m still learning that it’s okay to not feel okay, and to rest and procrastinate.
I guess I am giving myself a break. Mostly from thinking and using my brain.

I’ve been feeling a bit lost. There’s so many paths in front of me, which one do I choose? Which is the right one? Knowing that life is completely and utterly in my hands should bring me relief. But instead it brings heavy and brimming worry. I stop myself from thinking too much about my future, knowing that worrying can only do more damage. Thoughts have more power than you think.

Know your power, love yourself

I, like most people, have fallen into basing my worth on others.
I’m doing everything I can to change that. I have kept people around me that made me feel uncomfortable, people who criticized the way I look and talked behind my back.

I’ve liked someone who, I later learned, has a girlfriend, and he was leading me on. I kept waiting around, hoping things could somehow change. I felt like I needed this person’s love, I needed them in my life in order to feel whole, complete and happy.
I felt like my future and I didn’t exist without them.
Even after acknowledging how wrong this was, I couldn’t stop. Or I felt like I couldn’t?

There’s two people who inspired me to turn to myself and find all the love I ever needed. Those two lovely women are Harmony Nice and Taylor Dean Nicole.
Harmony recently made a video about 10 most important things she learned through therapy. Taylor made an hour long video about her heroin addiction story, and how her ex boyfriend got her hooked on heroin. These two videos inspired me to change and Harmony’s video gave me a little push and a few tips. Here I would like to link those two videos, I urge you to watch them.

Harmony Nice – Its been a year since my mental breakdown.. Lets talk.

Taylor Nicole Dean – I’m a Heroin Addict. (The Truth About Everything)

We all feel stuck in whatever situation we’re in, even if it’s just feeling worthless without someone loving you, giving you attention, not realizing that we are free. We were free the entire time, we were holding ourselves in shackles, ignoring the key in our hands.

I’m currently learning that cutting people out of your life is okay. If someone is toxic, shady, makes me feel uncomfortable, I’ll push them away. I don’t owe them anything.
If someone is a bad person and is playing with me, they’re out of my life, and my mind. I don’t owe them anyhing.

I’m trying to understand that I’m not obligated to submit to people, to let people treat me badly, and that my feelings and I matter to me more than anyone else’s feelings. Too many times did I stick around so that the other person wouldn’t be hurt, but it was hurting me.

I’ve seen dumb people on twitter argue that you don’t need to love yourself to love someone else. Wrong. Sure you can love someone while not loving yourself, but it’s not a healthy love, you’re clinging onto them, and using other people to measure your worth.
There’s a lot more that the phrase ‘You have to love yourself before anyone else’ means. If you don’t truly love yourself, you won’t recognize toxic and abusive relationships for what they are. If you don’t love yourself, you don’t know your worth. If you don’t know your worth, you don’t know what you deserve. If you don’t know what you deserve, you allow all kinds of behavior from others.

There’s a rocky road ahead of me, but I’m happily taking that path to healing.
I’ve cut a few people out of my life, but there’s so much more I need to do.
Detachment is next.

A couple days ago, I went to a dog park and made friends with butterflies. That was oddly therapeutic.

Heart crushed / Opportunity to heal

The story of how I got led on.

I was madly in love with a girl who has rejected me. I started to forget about her, feelings were quickly fading away. I started to enjoy life again, hopeful about my love life.
I decided to use the law of attraction to manifest someone that would make me happy and that would be good for me. So I started writing in my notebook: ‘My girlfriend is coming into my life’ and ‘I’m ready to face my fear of intimacy’.
You see, I didn’t have any interest for men. I could only imagine myself with a girl, and I really wanted to be with a girl. I was writing that intimacy affirmation because of traumas I have, and I was ready to start healing. Little did I know…
You can’t heal from sexual abuse with a woman, if a man did something to you. I don’t know how I didn’t realize that, at the time. And my lack of interest for men was caused by trauma.

Every afternoon/evening I went to a park nearby, where dogs and their owners would gather. My mom and I walk our dogs together.
While we were in said park with a bunch of other dogs and owners, two people approached us. A man, a woman, and their dog. They’ve let him off the leash. They were very silent. In a small interaction between them, I felt… cold. Very cold energy. Something was off, and just seeing it made me feel uncomfortable.
‘What breed is he?’ – I asked the man.
‘Crossbreed.’ – he replied, in a very cold, almost rude manner. His response almost made me shudder and take a step back. It made me look down and go quiet.
He didn’t look at me or anyone else much.

They kept coming back, so I assumed they were new in the neighbourhood. Every time I saw them, the energy between them felt cold, made me wonder why they were around each other. They are definitely not a couple, I thought to myself. That’s not how a couple feels. I still stand by that.
Maybe they are siblings, I thought. They both have curly hair, sounds about right.

At that time in my life, I was convinced that I’m a lesbian, because of my lack of interest for men. I was patiently waiting for the girl of my dreams.
Whether you are spiritual or not, doesn’t matter. Put your beliefs aside now.
I felt something weird coming from that man, coming towards me. He didn’t look at me much, he treated me like everyone else. He wasn’t flirtatious, not at all. But somehow I felt that he liked me. I could feel it.
But I didn’t feel the same way, which made me sad. He seemed really nice, he was radiating confidence, mental stability and dominance. Rare are men who’s energy is like that, so intense. I never came across anyone like him.

I started noticing that he seemed uncomfortable around me when that woman was with him. I didn’t think anything of it. Silly little girl.
He started watching me and he was making that very obvious for me. Especially this one time, everyone was standing in a large circle, talking. I was looking at my dog, the only dog on the leash. I wanted to take her off the leash so bad, but my mom said no, and I listen to my mom even though I’m 22 (I was 21 and the time).
I felt someone’s eyes on me, so I looked up, only to see him staring at me. Eyes wide open and sparkly, one eyebrow raised, dumb smile. He looked like something’s wrong with him. I didn’t know if I should smile or ignore. It certainly caught me off guard.
I decided to look down and do my best to ignore.
Things like that (but less… weird) kept happening. He would smile at me and stare at me a lot. He was even making up excuses to be around me in the park, or to come back if they were leaving, like bumping into us when we were going to the park and he was leaving, soon after that returning and saying that they lost their ball. Which was a lie, we searched the entire park and didn’t find it. He threw it on the ground, out of his pocket near a tree, his dog “found” the ball.
He would try to get to me if he saw me alone with my dog (without my mother around), I ran away from him every time. I don’t know why, I think I got scared.

He was a man in his 30s. His smile lines were quite obvious, but the rest of his face looked quite young. His skin was pale, he had wild black curly hair. He had sharp facial features, very mascline. He was slender and taller than me. He slouches when he walks, he kind of reminded me of a bear.
By his clothes I could tell that he still thinks he’s cool. Mid-life crisis, I assumed.
I don’t know why I thought he was good looking.

On one occassion he broke my nail. My dog, while she was on a leash, wrapped his legs up, so I tried to help him get out of her leash. He raised his leg, I put my hands in front of me… He hit my thumb with his foot. I immediately felt a crack in my nail. He started apologizing, he felt bad for what he did, so I said that it’s okay, and I hid my finger from him. I knew that it was bad when I felt that crack. When I looked at it at home, I saw that it cracked in the middle and it was bleeding. It took some time to grow it out, all the while I was hiding my finger from him, I didn’t want him to know how badly he actually injured me.

I started feeling something towards him at the end of last year… Took me by surprise. I felt a warm fuzzy feeling in my chest and got scared, I never felt anything like it before. I even googled it, thinking something was wrong and I was dying or something.
I told my mom that he likes me. ‘But he has a girlfriend.’ – she said, visibly confused.
I didn’t believe her, I said ‘No, he doesn’t. That’s probably just his friend or a relative.’
Then she said the words that cut me deep – ‘He said that’s his girlfriend. While we were once talking with him, he said that his girlfriend takes their dog for a walk in the morning.’ I wasn’t there to hear it.
I was speechless. My stomach was turning, I felt weak, and I had a lump in my throat. I had to sit down after hearing that.
I was hoping for something…. Here’s the thing. While I liked him, I thought to myself ‘I think I’m ready to face my fear of intimacy’. Because of him, I thought that. That’s what made it hurt so much more than it should’ve.

I was forced into a love triangle. I hate love triangles, and I never want to be part of it.
The whole situation brought things from my past back to me, and I was, once again, reliving my trauma, my nightmare. Third party situations have a connection with something that happened to me, which I won’t get into now.

I was straight edge before. I didn’t want to drink because my father was an alcoholic and he would become aggressive when he was drunk. I started drinking. I finally understood people who use alcohol as an escape from reality. I had nightmares that got worse at the beginning of this year. I was falling apart, not so much because of him having a girlfriend, but because of trauma that was brought back, that I was trying so hard to repress, thinking I was healing. I distracted myself and thought I was healing.
I felt worthless, not deserving of anything, makeup, hygiene, nice clothes… Looking decent or being taken care of.

Only in recent two months or so, did I bring myself back to normal. I even ventured into something new, a job, that ended up not working out… But I jumped out of my comfort zone, which is something I never would’ve done before. Daily meditaton, mindfulness, and cleansing my space with Sage and Palo Santo is what helped me. I’m done with alcohol. I got myself back on track, all by myself, with no one’s support.

That wonderful faithful man started staring at me even when he’s with his girlfriend. She would crouch down to pet dogs, he would stand and stare at me, trying to get me to look at him. I didn’t. I’ve been ignoring them since the beginning of this year, I won’t even say hi to either of them. She doesn’t look at me very nice, and a strong gut feeling I have tells me that he told his girlfriend about me, but he twisted the story. I know it, actually. I’m a crazy young girl who’s trying to steal him from her. Keeps running after him. That’s what he told her and she naively believed him. Dumb b****.
It’s been quite a while that I have not seen them. I’m starting to think they might’ve moved away. Did they? I don’t know… People are now away for the summer, so maybe they’ll be back. Hope not. I want to have my peace, at least in my neighbourhood.
Before they ‘disappeared’, he started ignoring me too. Pretending none of it ever happened. Pretending he’s happy, and that he loves and cares about his girlfriend. He would still sneak a peek at me.

I tried manifesting someone who would help me heal, turns out I manifested a man. I thought I was ready to heal and the universe proved me wrong. Or it started my healing by bringing everything back, I don’t know.
For a while I wondered what was the purpose of all of this. I even asked my tarot cards… You know what they said? That I need to learn to love myself first. That’s why this happened. It’s part of healing. I was so focused on a few specific traumas that I completely ignored the rest. I have more issues than I originally thought. The universe was helping me the entire time.
Due to what happened recently, I’ve completely closed myself off to love. And that’s how things will be. I don’t mind.

I guess this is the beginning of my healing. I have no idea how I’m supposed to work on my issues. Hopefully, I’ll figure things out soon.
Don’t ever lead someone on, don’t play with people. You don’t know what you’ll stir up inside of them. Don’t be a c**t.

Poison

I entered the store with my sister. I immediately put down all the bags I had, left them near the doors. I started looking around. My sister was looking for shirts and later ended up looking at bikinis. White victorian looking blouse caught my eye. I looked at it, amazed. ‘I’ll buy it one day’ – I thought to myself. Suddenly, I hear ‘Your hair is so pretty!’ behind me, and I feel someone touching my hair. Startled, I turn around.

There was the employee, standing and smiling at me. I thanked her for the compliment. We started talking, and I told her to start using ricinus oil on her hair. Her hair was short and seemingly damaged, she appeared to be fascinated with my har, so I thought I could give her advice, be nice.
Out of nowhere, during our conversation, while I was telling her about one woman who had issues growing out her hair and how ricinus oil helped her hair grow fast, she said  ‘Your hair is thin, you should cut it’, with a tense smile and almost psychotic eyes that didn’t blink, showing me where I should cut it. She put her hand above her shoulder. That’s where I should cut it.

Her response melted my words, and made my heart drop. I didn’t know what to say, how to react. How do you respond nicely to someone who is so malicious? Oh, how nice she was until then! That is what confused me and scared me the most. How quickly she turned into a snake, hissing at me, stabbing me with her stare, wide open and still eyes.
‘My hair was way thinner before…’ – I responded quietly.

I’ve experienced so much jealousy and maliciousness from girls and women, and I don’t quite know why. I would not be complaining if I was rude, If I did something. But I really haven’t done anything to deserve it. I’m starting to feel like befriending a woman is impossible for me. Almost every female friend I had tore me down.

I can see all the evil in the world in their eyes.

I’ve dimmed my own light, partially because of other women. Because of the poison they’re trying to make me inhale. I’m a bit scared of what will happen when I’ll start to shine.
And I know you too, can relate.

Serene summer

I do apologize for not being active on here.
I haven’t been active on social media either. I found social media quite boring throughout this summer. I’ve been enjoying the real world, well, as much as I could with this horrible heat. European houses were built to keep the heat in and my family doesn’t have air conditioner, so our home has been actual, burning, hell.

I got payed for that one week I was able to keep a job for. I bought myself a nude bra so I could finally wear the few white shirts I have. Maybe I shouldn’t be talking about bras, but whatever. We’re all human.
Bought myself two shirts, a few things I needed, the rest I won’t waste. I’m not someone who buys things and wastes money, I was barely able to push myself to buy things I need.

I went to town with my sister the other day. We went to a few bookstores and bought a few books. She bought me a book called The House Witch. I bought myself a book called The Witch’s Book Of Self-Care, which I am in a desperate need of. Both are by the same author, Arin Murphy-Hiscock. Interesting last name… It’s a woman, by the way. I thought the author was male, Arin sounded like a nice name for a guy.
Both books are nice and shiny.

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I started reading The Witch’s Book Of Self-Care, it’s a good book, I find it very helpful. There’s a lot of things regarding mindfulness and meditation.

We bought ourselves something to eat and went to sit in a beautiful park nearby.
They were setting it up for an event, unfortunately I don’t know what event.
But I managed to take a picture.

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Wish we had time to stick around, but we had to go home.
I had a lot of fun, that has to be one of the best days of my life, honestly.
And as cherry on top, later in the morning my new necklace finally arrived. I ordered it almost two months ago.

I continue to live slowly, enjoying each day, knowing this period of my life won’t last forever. Life will eventually speed up, exciting things will eventually start happening.

Forever grateful for this calm phase of my life.