The story of how I got led on.
I was madly in love with a girl who has rejected me. I started to forget about her, feelings were quickly fading away. I started to enjoy life again, hopeful about my love life.
I decided to use the law of attraction to manifest someone that would make me happy and that would be good for me. So I started writing in my notebook: ‘My girlfriend is coming into my life’ and ‘I’m ready to face my fear of intimacy’.
You see, I didn’t have any interest for men. I could only imagine myself with a girl, and I really wanted to be with a girl. I was writing that intimacy affirmation because of traumas I have, and I was ready to start healing. Little did I know…
You can’t heal from sexual abuse with a woman, if a man did something to you. I don’t know how I didn’t realize that, at the time. And my lack of interest for men was caused by trauma.
Every afternoon/evening I went to a park nearby, where dogs and their owners would gather. My mom and I walk our dogs together.
While we were in said park with a bunch of other dogs and owners, two people approached us. A man, a woman, and their dog. They’ve let him off the leash. They were very silent. In a small interaction between them, I felt… cold. Very cold energy. Something was off, and just seeing it made me feel uncomfortable.
‘What breed is he?’ – I asked the man.
‘Crossbreed.’ – he replied, in a very cold, almost rude manner. His response almost made me shudder and take a step back. It made me look down and go quiet.
He didn’t look at me or anyone else much.
They kept coming back, so I assumed they were new in the neighbourhood. Every time I saw them, the energy between them felt cold, made me wonder why they were around each other. They are definitely not a couple, I thought to myself. That’s not how a couple feels. I still stand by that.
Maybe they are siblings, I thought. They both have curly hair, sounds about right.
At that time in my life, I was convinced that I’m a lesbian, because of my lack of interest for men. I was patiently waiting for the girl of my dreams.
Whether you are spiritual or not, doesn’t matter. Put your beliefs aside now.
I felt something weird coming from that man, coming towards me. He didn’t look at me much, he treated me like everyone else. He wasn’t flirtatious, not at all. But somehow I felt that he liked me. I could feel it.
But I didn’t feel the same way, which made me sad. He seemed really nice, he was radiating confidence, mental stability and dominance. Rare are men who’s energy is like that, so intense. I never came across anyone like him.
I started noticing that he seemed uncomfortable around me when that woman was with him. I didn’t think anything of it. Silly little girl.
He started watching me and he was making that very obvious for me. Especially this one time, everyone was standing in a large circle, talking. I was looking at my dog, the only dog on the leash. I wanted to take her off the leash so bad, but my mom said no, and I listen to my mom even though I’m 22 (I was 21 and the time).
I felt someone’s eyes on me, so I looked up, only to see him staring at me. Eyes wide open and sparkly, one eyebrow raised, dumb smile. He looked like something’s wrong with him. I didn’t know if I should smile or ignore. It certainly caught me off guard.
I decided to look down and do my best to ignore.
Things like that (but less… weird) kept happening. He would smile at me and stare at me a lot. He was even making up excuses to be around me in the park, or to come back if they were leaving, like bumping into us when we were going to the park and he was leaving, soon after that returning and saying that they lost their ball. Which was a lie, we searched the entire park and didn’t find it. He threw it on the ground, out of his pocket near a tree, his dog “found” the ball.
He would try to get to me if he saw me alone with my dog (without my mother around), I ran away from him every time. I don’t know why, I think I got scared.
He was a man in his 30s. His smile lines were quite obvious, but the rest of his face looked quite young. His skin was pale, he had wild black curly hair. He had sharp facial features, very mascline. He was slender and taller than me. He slouches when he walks, he kind of reminded me of a bear.
By his clothes I could tell that he still thinks he’s cool. Mid-life crisis, I assumed.
I don’t know why I thought he was good looking.
On one occassion he broke my nail. My dog, while she was on a leash, wrapped his legs up, so I tried to help him get out of her leash. He raised his leg, I put my hands in front of me… He hit my thumb with his foot. I immediately felt a crack in my nail. He started apologizing, he felt bad for what he did, so I said that it’s okay, and I hid my finger from him. I knew that it was bad when I felt that crack. When I looked at it at home, I saw that it cracked in the middle and it was bleeding. It took some time to grow it out, all the while I was hiding my finger from him, I didn’t want him to know how badly he actually injured me.
I started feeling something towards him at the end of last year… Took me by surprise. I felt a warm fuzzy feeling in my chest and got scared, I never felt anything like it before. I even googled it, thinking something was wrong and I was dying or something.
I told my mom that he likes me. ‘But he has a girlfriend.’ – she said, visibly confused.
I didn’t believe her, I said ‘No, he doesn’t. That’s probably just his friend or a relative.’
Then she said the words that cut me deep – ‘He said that’s his girlfriend. While we were once talking with him, he said that his girlfriend takes their dog for a walk in the morning.’ I wasn’t there to hear it.
I was speechless. My stomach was turning, I felt weak, and I had a lump in my throat. I had to sit down after hearing that.
I was hoping for something…. Here’s the thing. While I liked him, I thought to myself ‘I think I’m ready to face my fear of intimacy’. Because of him, I thought that. That’s what made it hurt so much more than it should’ve.
I was forced into a love triangle. I hate love triangles, and I never want to be part of it.
The whole situation brought things from my past back to me, and I was, once again, reliving my trauma, my nightmare. Third party situations have a connection with something that happened to me, which I won’t get into now.
I was straight edge before. I didn’t want to drink because my father was an alcoholic and he would become aggressive when he was drunk. I started drinking. I finally understood people who use alcohol as an escape from reality. I had nightmares that got worse at the beginning of this year. I was falling apart, not so much because of him having a girlfriend, but because of trauma that was brought back, that I was trying so hard to repress, thinking I was healing. I distracted myself and thought I was healing.
I felt worthless, not deserving of anything, makeup, hygiene, nice clothes… Looking decent or being taken care of.
Only in recent two months or so, did I bring myself back to normal. I even ventured into something new, a job, that ended up not working out… But I jumped out of my comfort zone, which is something I never would’ve done before. Daily meditaton, mindfulness, and cleansing my space with Sage and Palo Santo is what helped me. I’m done with alcohol. I got myself back on track, all by myself, with no one’s support.
That wonderful faithful man started staring at me even when he’s with his girlfriend. She would crouch down to pet dogs, he would stand and stare at me, trying to get me to look at him. I didn’t. I’ve been ignoring them since the beginning of this year, I won’t even say hi to either of them. She doesn’t look at me very nice, and a strong gut feeling I have tells me that he told his girlfriend about me, but he twisted the story. I know it, actually. I’m a crazy young girl who’s trying to steal him from her. Keeps running after him. That’s what he told her and she naively believed him. Dumb b****.
It’s been quite a while that I have not seen them. I’m starting to think they might’ve moved away. Did they? I don’t know… People are now away for the summer, so maybe they’ll be back. Hope not. I want to have my peace, at least in my neighbourhood.
Before they ‘disappeared’, he started ignoring me too. Pretending none of it ever happened. Pretending he’s happy, and that he loves and cares about his girlfriend. He would still sneak a peek at me.
I tried manifesting someone who would help me heal, turns out I manifested a man. I thought I was ready to heal and the universe proved me wrong. Or it started my healing by bringing everything back, I don’t know.
For a while I wondered what was the purpose of all of this. I even asked my tarot cards… You know what they said? That I need to learn to love myself first. That’s why this happened. It’s part of healing. I was so focused on a few specific traumas that I completely ignored the rest. I have more issues than I originally thought. The universe was helping me the entire time.
Due to what happened recently, I’ve completely closed myself off to love. And that’s how things will be. I don’t mind.
I guess this is the beginning of my healing. I have no idea how I’m supposed to work on my issues. Hopefully, I’ll figure things out soon.
Don’t ever lead someone on, don’t play with people. You don’t know what you’ll stir up inside of them. Don’t be a c**t.